Serendipity Sunday

I’m not going to lie…

There are days that I wish away…

Days I don’t want to remember…

Day I wish didn’t exist…

BUT then, I think that sometimes, no matter how painful it may seem, we NEED to experience these days.  That is how we grow.

Days that are meant to be Celebrations with family, well, I dread them.  I dread the well wishes from those who mean only joy, who say, “have fun with your family.”  It cuts to the core, because being an orphan, even at 53, isn’t fun…HOW DARE we have days that are not FUN…sigh…

Yes, I laugh at me…I laugh at my ignorance…I laugh at how silly I am to wish away ANY day of my life, because we all know, that something good can be found in EVERY situation, IF we are looking for it.

As I sat on the back porch waiting for Charcoal to decide if he wanted to bring back the stick, or if he was content to sniff where HE had just peed (ok, sometimes, I do wonder how bright he is…), a beautiful yellow and black butterfly flew by…flying up and down, round and round on the wind…

Those who have paid any attention to my writings, know, that the butterfly was special to my Mother, and she never (on purpose) left the house without a butterfly pinned to her left shoulder.  People who knew my mother, knew this about her.

In just a few moments more, a black butterfly flew by and danced for a moment as I watched, and again, thought of my Mother…and it was dressed in black.  Mother’s favorite clothes were most always black and white.

 

When I came in the house, I pulled out a new roll of paper towels. I always buy the select-a-size in white, BUT as I pulled out the roll, plastered all over the paper towel were butterflies!!

NOW, this is where the discussion of coincidence comes into play.

Again, those who KNOW me and have read my words, KNOW that I was raised by a Mother who did not believe in coincidence.  She and I had many conversations about this, and I would look at her when a football player, who happened to just be standing on the field in a bizarre location, caught a ball that was knocked from the hands of the intended receiver~~how can that NOT be coincidence?  She and I would laugh as I said, “well, sometimes, I would rather be lucky than good!”  We understood each other about this and embraced the fact that we could have such a conversation.

Let me be clear.  I am pretty sure that those butterflies would have floated by, had I been paying attention or not, AND the reason I got home with butterfly covered paper towels happened because I was not paying attention at the store…BUT this is where I think that the events become part of a bigger plan, and you are more than welcome to disagree with me…

Mother also taught me that in life, I will always find what I am looking to find.

This has been an incredibly sad day for me.  It is a day that guilt overcomes my soul.  I wish I could have been a better daughter…no, I wish I had made more of an effort to be a better daughter.  I had moments of brilliance, she says, patting herself on the back, but when I needed to be compassionate, and loving, all I could see was the path my life had taken that I DID NOT choose.  What I failed to realize, is that Mother did not choose that path, either.  She did not want to be a burden to anyone.  She raised us to be strong, and all I could muster, was weakness and selfishness…so, try as I may, I can’t forgive myself…it is a daily struggle, again, that you each are probably getting sick of hearing about, but there is a part of me that KNOWS that I went through this to help someone else…maybe just one person, so I continue to write about it…

ANYWAY, pity party over for the moment…

The butterflies were a symbol very special to Mother.  I never see one that I don’t think of her and smile.  I recount how she loved without fault.  She was not ashamed of telling people, even complete strangers, that she loved them.  She had felt a calling as a young child to be a missionary.  A missionary she was~~right in her own little corner of the world.  Her mission was love and she lived her life as a reflection of God’s love…she smiled on days when all she wanted to do was to cry.  She was LOVE.

On this day where tears are flowing way more than they should, I was “visited” by butterflies.

On a day that I was searching to find some type of assurance that God understood my heartbreak and guilt, butterflies visited.

So, this is why I think me NOTICING the butterflies was no coincidence~~Because I was LOOKING for them.  I wanted a sign that somehow, Mother knew I did the best I could at the moment. 

We go through life, sometimes stubbing our toe on every rock, and blaming the stones for being in our way.  The same rocks have been in the same place all along, but when we happen to upturn one, we cry FOUL…

Things in our world may seem to never change, because, after a while, we stop noticing our surroundings.  For instance, when you plant flowers, you can’t wait to see them bloom, but often, once they bloom, we fail to stop and notice them after awhile, because we get used to them…we don’t look for the beauty, even though they are right there, right in front of us in all of their glory…we stop noticing…we even start to dread having planted them because we must water and weed...

ONLY when we decide to LOOK for the beauty, do we again, see it…

I bought the paper towels over a week ago, but how FUNNY that today, on Mother’s Day, I opened the package, without looking at them, and the one roll out of the 8 rolls that I pull out is covered in butterflies! 

How FUNNY that today, I saw 2 butterflies in the span of only moments, when I have seen only one butterfly this spring and it was weeks ago!

COINCIDENCE?  I think not! 

I found a symbol of something that was very special to me that specifically reminded me of Mother…I believe it was placed on this earth by a God who thinks of EVERYTHING for us…but we MUST do our part and look for it.

Miracles still happen.

God hasn’t changed…he still is I AM!

I am the one who must change…I must continue to look for what I wish to find…I am slowly learning that I am not such a bad person.  I have bad days, but I am doing my best to NOT be defined by them.  I am learning that I AM the one who must forgive myself.  God has already granted me forgiveness, so I MUST let it go and accept…let go of the guilt and move forward.  I have a mission…I have a path…each day is a new adventure and I WILL embrace the beautiful miracles that God has placed in this world…I WILL find what I seek…I will BLOOM, dadgummit! =)

I am so glad that Mother taught me about serendipity, because the 3 butterflies made Serendipity Sunday possible, and let me tell you, it hasn't been the best week of my life!  Thanks, God.  Thanks, Mother…Thank BOTH of you for always loving me JUST AS I AM, but who love me way too much to leave me that way.

I wish you a week filled with FINDING the good you seek~~Blessings to YOU…~charlotte