I can’t count the number of posts I have written in my head
this past month. I just have been too
lazy, or too frustrated, or too uninspired, or too tired of myself and think
everyone else is too, I sound too preachy, too fake, so hypocritical….too….too…too…
I’m not really sure WHY I haven’t made the time.
I’m going to be honest.
It is one of those moments in my life where worry seems to
be consuming me.
I KNOW, with all of my heart, that everything will be
ok~~eventually…
BUT for now, I worry…I fear…I wonder HOW in the world I can
make it ok…I wonder what ELSE is going to break, because, let me whine, I do
NOT have many more things that CAN break that are not broken…
I miss my momma…I miss my daddy…I miss having a family…I miss
my dog that died 2 years ago today…I wonder HOW in the world everyone is coming
up with new ideas, while mine seem old and uninspired…I wonder why I put my
heart and soul into something and nobody notices…I find myself jealous, while
at the same time, happy for the success of others…I wonder WHY in the world
others cannot SEE people as they really are…oh, wait, that is about ME…I FEAR
that others CAN SEE me as I really am…
So flawed…so full of doubt…the ugliness…the shame…the
juggling act to appear AS IF I have it all together…the pettiness of my
thoughts…I AM AFRAID, and I am so tired of being AFRAID!
I wonder IF I am on the right path…I wonder what I am
doing…It seems all the things I try are a complete and utter waste of time~~FB
Page gets NO ACTION, so why waste the time…This Blog gains absolutely NO
FOLLOWERS, and how in the world do people get FOLLOWERS, The pattern sales are
so slow, you can watch them drop like molasses on a sub-zero day, I try to JOKE
with people and they get mad cause I hurt their feelings and THEN send me NASTY
messages, and I get it, because once you say something, there is NO taking it
back, but hey, I have had my feelings hurt, too, you know, Somebody WANTS a
picture changed, Etsy sales and views are pretty much at a standstill, I watch the weather and plan a trip to town
between the rain, and as I get ready to leave from my shopping, I am drenched
in a downpour of epic proportions, and have to drive home in the downpour
SOAKED to the bone, because the idiot driver in the parking lot just sat in his
car instead of pulling into the space all the way so I could NOT get by to
return the cart to its proper place (how dare I do that since it is en vogue to
LEAVE it in another space to not allow you to park without getting your car dinged),
AND when I pull into my now dirt turned mud packed driveway, I get out of the
car to look at the window on the house and see a red glow and wonder NOW WHAT
is broken or how did the house get red, and THEN…
I turn to see the most BRILLIANT ORANGE BALL of BEAUTY in
the sky and find myself calmed beyond words.
In the midst of my GINORMOUS PITY PARTY, my GOD, my FATHER,
has provided beauty that is so powerful, it can CALM a soul in turmoil. WOW!!
You see, WHEN I allow my soul to become so unsettled, so
worried, so afraid, I CHEAT MYSELF out of the beauty that surrounds me.
The beauty is STILL there, but I do not allow myself to see
it…to experience it…to drink it in and to REFRESH my soul.
My Father wants the BEST for me. He does NOT want me to be afraid. He wants me to TRUST. He wants me to SERVE. He is leading me BESIDE
still waters. He is restoring my soul. He is working on a solution to my
problems. He is right by my side. He is NOT tempting me with evil nor is He
causing BAD things to happen to me. I don’t even have to pull up my “big girl
panties” because He understands me. He
knows I am just having a bad moment, and He is guiding me right through the
storms, even when I think He doesn’t care.
He allows me to throw my little brat girl temper tantrums, but He loves
me TOO MUCH to allow me to reside in such an ugly place. He PREPARES a feast for me in front of my
enemies and invites me to DINE with Him. He has provided a place for me to
sleep. He has created the most GORGEOUS earth, filled with green grasses and
flowers of more colors than are in the biggest crayon box. My Father has anointed
ME, little ole imperfect me, with MORE love than I can fathom. I KNOW that love will follow me ALL of my
life and on into eternity, because I am TRYING my BEST to LIVE my life for Him
and to SERVE him…
My FATHER has given me people who share RANDOM ACTS of
KINDNESS with me and encourage me to keep on going…
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| Thank you Jennifer...this made me smile! I can't catch who keeps eating the candy! Charcoal gobbled his cookies! |
My Father, during the month of March, gave me the gift to
design 9 new patterns, which doesn’t sound like much, but in those 9 patterns,
are over 31 different designs~~WOW…He has provided inspiration and I am
grateful and give HIM all glory and praise.
My Father has been by my side and loves me on the days when
I cannot love myself.
So, you may wonder why I am sharing this pity party with
you…WELL, doesn’t a good party need guests to party with them? ROFL
NO, not at all.
I am sharing because THIS is real life ugly at its
best. This is not an easy thing to do to
let people KNOW the REAL ME, but I believe with my whole heart, that what we
experience is to make us stronger. What
we experience should be used to HELP others.
Let’s get real. My
problems are only money problems…how GREAT is that! Compared to other people who are struggling,
my FEARS can be easily fixed.
I AM BLESSED. As Kat
says, God just keeps showing off FOR ME…(I LOVE that vision those words bring
to my heart.)
I am sharing all of this to say to YOU (the person that
needs to HEAR this right now at this moment), that SOMETIMES, life DOES
SUCK. Sometimes things happen that we
have NO control over because others are involved, and YES, when YOU say you
don’t care what others think, you, my friend are being a snoot, because your
actions DO go beyond your own little corner of the world~~flash back to
Belgium, to London, to New York, to Oklahoma, to Colorado, to Paducah, to…oh,
my…this breaks my heart to start listing these locations…
I am sharing this to say to YOU that we are not an
island. Our WORDS do hurt. Our ACTIONS do cause pain.
I am sharing this to say to YOU that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I am sharing this to say to YOU that WE NEVER know the
turmoil that others are experiencing. We
think we can sit behind a screen and say WHATEVER we WANT to say and WHO
CARES…it is MY RIGHT…it is MY PAGE…it is MY VIEW…it is COVERED by some funky
constitutional number…
I am sharing this to say to YOU that WE MUST BE KIND.
Being kind, sometimes means that we have to throw that big
ole hand of ours over our mouth, and remove it from the keyboard and just say a
prayer ASKING GOD to give us HIS words…HIS heart…HIS compassion…HIS love…HIS
mercy…HIS forgiveness…HIS leadership…HIS eyes…HIS hands…HIS feet…HIS
ability to LOVE us JUST as we are, so we can do that to and for others…
I am sharing this because I CARE…because I LOVE YOU…because I want YOU to find peace and to forgive yourself on those days when you can’t see that HUGE BRIGHT BALL OF ORANGE in the sky…
I wish all of God’s Blessings to YOU…~charlotte
