The Lord is My Shepherd

I can’t count the number of posts I have written in my head this past month.  I just have been too lazy, or too frustrated, or too uninspired, or too tired of myself and think everyone else is too, I sound too preachy, too fake, so hypocritical….too….too…too…

I’m not really sure WHY I haven’t made the time.

I’m going to be honest.

It is one of those moments in my life where worry seems to be consuming me.

I KNOW, with all of my heart, that everything will be ok~~eventually…

BUT for now, I worry…I fear…I wonder HOW in the world I can make it ok…I wonder what ELSE is going to break, because, let me whine, I do NOT have many more things that CAN break that are not broken…

I miss my momma…I miss my daddy…I miss having a family…I miss my dog that died 2 years ago today…I wonder HOW in the world everyone is coming up with new ideas, while mine seem old and uninspired…I wonder why I put my heart and soul into something and nobody notices…I find myself jealous, while at the same time, happy for the success of others…I wonder WHY in the world others cannot SEE people as they really are…oh, wait, that is about ME…I FEAR that others CAN SEE me as I really am…

So flawed…so full of doubt…the ugliness…the shame…the juggling act to appear AS IF I have it all together…the pettiness of my thoughts…I AM AFRAID, and I am so tired of being AFRAID!

I wonder IF I am on the right path…I wonder what I am doing…It seems all the things I try are a complete and utter waste of time~~FB Page gets NO ACTION, so why waste the time…This Blog gains absolutely NO FOLLOWERS, and how in the world do people get FOLLOWERS, The pattern sales are so slow, you can watch them drop like molasses on a sub-zero day, I try to JOKE with people and they get mad cause I hurt their feelings and THEN send me NASTY messages, and I get it, because once you say something, there is NO taking it back, but hey, I have had my feelings hurt, too, you know, Somebody WANTS a picture changed, Etsy sales and views are pretty much at a standstill,  I watch the weather and plan a trip to town between the rain, and as I get ready to leave from my shopping, I am drenched in a downpour of epic proportions, and have to drive home in the downpour SOAKED to the bone, because the idiot driver in the parking lot just sat in his car instead of pulling into the space all the way so I could NOT get by to return the cart to its proper place (how dare I do that since it is en vogue to LEAVE it in another space to not allow you to park without getting your car dinged), AND when I pull into my now dirt turned mud packed driveway, I get out of the car to look at the window on the house and see a red glow and wonder NOW WHAT is broken or how did the house get red, and THEN…

I turn to see the most BRILLIANT ORANGE BALL of BEAUTY in the sky and find myself calmed beyond words.

In the midst of my GINORMOUS PITY PARTY, my GOD, my FATHER, has provided beauty that is so powerful, it can CALM a soul in turmoil.  WOW!!

You see, WHEN I allow my soul to become so unsettled, so worried, so afraid, I CHEAT MYSELF out of the beauty that surrounds me.

The beauty is STILL there, but I do not allow myself to see it…to experience it…to drink it in and to REFRESH my soul.

My Father wants the BEST for me.  He does NOT want me to be afraid.  He wants me to TRUST.  He wants me to SERVE. He is leading me BESIDE still waters. He is restoring my soul. He is working on a solution to my problems. He is right by my side. He is NOT tempting me with evil nor is He causing BAD things to happen to me. I don’t even have to pull up my “big girl panties” because He understands me.  He knows I am just having a bad moment, and He is guiding me right through the storms, even when I think He doesn’t care.  He allows me to throw my little brat girl temper tantrums, but He loves me TOO MUCH to allow me to reside in such an ugly place.  He PREPARES a feast for me in front of my enemies and invites me to DINE with Him. He has provided a place for me to sleep. He has created the most GORGEOUS earth, filled with green grasses and flowers of more colors than are in the biggest crayon box. My Father has anointed ME, little ole imperfect me, with MORE love than I can fathom.  I KNOW that love will follow me ALL of my life and on into eternity, because I am TRYING my BEST to LIVE my life for Him and to SERVE him…

My FATHER has given me people who share RANDOM ACTS of KINDNESS with me and encourage me to keep on going…

Thank you Jennifer...this made me smile! I  can't catch who keeps eating the candy! Charcoal gobbled his cookies! 

My Father, during the month of March, gave me the gift to design 9 new patterns, which doesn’t sound like much, but in those 9 patterns, are over 31 different designs~~WOW…He has provided inspiration and I am grateful and give HIM all glory and praise.

My Father has been by my side and loves me on the days when I cannot love myself.

So, you may wonder why I am sharing this pity party with you…WELL, doesn’t a good party need guests to party with them?  ROFL

NO, not at all. 

I am sharing because THIS is real life ugly at its best.  This is not an easy thing to do to let people KNOW the REAL ME, but I believe with my whole heart, that what we experience is to make us stronger.  What we experience should be used to HELP others.

Let’s get real.  My problems are only money problems…how GREAT is that!  Compared to other people who are struggling, my FEARS can be easily fixed.

I AM BLESSED.  As Kat says, God just keeps showing off FOR ME…(I LOVE that vision those words bring to my heart.)

I am sharing all of this to say to YOU (the person that needs to HEAR this right now at this moment), that SOMETIMES, life DOES SUCK.  Sometimes things happen that we have NO control over because others are involved, and YES, when YOU say you don’t care what others think, you, my friend are being a snoot, because your actions DO go beyond your own little corner of the world~~flash back to Belgium, to London, to New York, to Oklahoma, to Colorado, to Paducah, to…oh, my…this breaks my heart to start listing these locations…

I am sharing this to say to YOU that we are not an island.  Our WORDS do hurt.  Our ACTIONS do cause pain.

I am sharing this to say to YOU that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I am sharing this to say to YOU that WE NEVER know the turmoil that others are experiencing.  We think we can sit behind a screen and say WHATEVER we WANT to say and WHO CARES…it is MY RIGHT…it is MY PAGE…it is MY VIEW…it is COVERED by some funky constitutional number…

I am sharing this to say to YOU that WE MUST BE KIND.

Being kind, sometimes means that we have to throw that big ole hand of ours over our mouth, and remove it from the keyboard and just say a prayer ASKING GOD to give us HIS words…HIS heart…HIS compassion…HIS love…HIS mercy…HIS forgiveness…HIS leadership…HIS eyes…HIS hands…HIS feet…HIS ability to LOVE us JUST as we are, so we can do that to and for others…

I am sharing this because I CARE…because I LOVE YOU…because I want YOU to find peace and to forgive yourself on those days when you can’t see that HUGE BRIGHT BALL OF ORANGE in the sky…

I wish all of God’s Blessings to YOU…~charlotte